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mrray13

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Acidburn    10

Acidburn
Posted

the ones in my avatar are AWESOME

and i want to see them

but she's mean to me

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Acidburn    10

Acidburn
Posted

Qanta's Pilot gripe sheet - your morning laugh

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe

sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The

mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and

then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it

be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots

(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by

maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an

accident.

... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Somethin! g loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit! .

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And t! he best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

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Acidburn    10

Acidburn
Posted

>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that

>the

>new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space

>and

>valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other

>programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as

>Poker

>Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 no

>longer

>run , crashing the system whenever selected.

>

>I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my

>favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 ,

>but

>the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

>

>Thanks,

>A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

>______________________________________

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Acidburn    10

Acidburn
Posted

>REPLY:

>Dear Troubled User:

>

>This is a very common problem that men complain about.

>

>Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is

>just

>a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and

>is

>designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!!

>It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 .

>It

>is impossible! to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system

>once

>installed.

>

>You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not

>allow

>this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony - Child Support .

>I

>recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I

>suggest

>installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software

>augmentation.

>

>The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because

>ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system

>will

>return to normal anyway.

>

>Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

>Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 ,

>Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 !

>

>However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will

>cause

>the system to launch the program

>Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of

>Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and

>Diamonds 5.0!

>

>WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short

>Skirt

>3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause

>irreversible

>damage to the operating system.

>

>Best of luck,

>Tech Support

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