Don't beat yourself up too bad Matt. Everyone has shortcomings and has experienced that felling at some point. Be it they did disgusting/dishonest things because they felt entitled/needed to survive at the time, or are and "honest by default" person that didn't live up to their ouw expectations of the linear life they projected.
Don't take this as bragging or glorifying, as I generally only speak of the darkside of my past for two reasons. To help someone else and when it's necessary to make amends. These are rules for me, as I have done things that were pretty disgusting in hindsight. I was a wild man most of my life and had a personality of 40 grit sandpaper. I was very abrasive to people as my defense survival mechanism. I was never a dishonest person, just a condescending prick.
This isn't stuff I talk to many people about about. I trust you guys and for me the ability to be able to admit my faults to someone I don't feel judged by is key to getting it out of my head. I will never be a completely wholesome person, but I can be less of a prick and tread lighter through life.
As far as being somewhere else... no matter where you go, there you are. You are going to have ride out the storm brotato chip. You have a good heart, and will end up where you a meant to be in the end. That is just the way it is when others human will is involved. You are still there because someone cares and sees something better in you.